Each puff is a checkpoint
To search and destroy
Every thought that occured
Since after the last puff.
7 years ago
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Well, my 18th birthday passed by before i wanted it to. It wasn't really that great a day to remember. Jut felt like the usual. I had a few friends over, and that was pleasant enough. The real let-down was that it was a sunday, and sundays are grey. I sat for two hours on a bloody pew thinking about how quickly things seem to go. Then second thoughts added that I'd never get those two hours back. Nevermind, it wont be long now.
On the upside, this year i got the best present I'd ever received in my life. Mum and I traveled to Masterton to pick up the 'ipod' I thought they had bought me. "Lets make a road-trip of it, you know, a girls day out!" she had said. I hadn't caught up with Mum in a while and since I would be moving home soonish and our relationship was already strained, I readily agreed. I'm glad I did.
Mum picked me up from work and we set off to the armpit of the lower north island. Masterhole, as some of my friends call it. We cranked out Paul Simon, both of us singing loudly. It was a fun trip up. I even got her to speed, if thats possible in a Volvo. As we neared our destnation, I was growing more excited but more suspicious. Mum kept sending out texts to the 'ipods' owner while she made lame excuses as to why she was texting him. "Just making sure I know where I'm going." Yeah right Mum. I'll add a quick note now. When Mum is lost, there's no calm texting. There's a flurry of maps and papers, there's speeding and frustration, there's angry shoot backs and frantic glances at signposts, and general complaining that there aren't enough of them, that anyone would get lost. It depends on her mood as to whether i add a wise crack about blondes. Usually I don't.
It was a lovely day and the sun shone on everything, even managing to make Masterton look pretty. We stopped for good in Queen Elizabeth Park. I had a durry and Mum enjoyed the sun. Her excuse for stopping was that the owners of the 'ipod' wouldnt be home before 5:30. That I did beleive. Its not uncommon for workers to not finish work till about then. I was content to wait.
I didn't have to wait very long. A car pulled into the lot a few moments later. I paid it no attention but Mum announced that this was them. I scrutinised the car more closely. It was a covered ute,a farming vehicle and I could see animal shapes in the back. Probably sheep-dogs along for the ride. A young couple were in the front,and my suspicions peaked. A young farming couple meeting up with us to give us an 'ipod'? Hadn't mail been invented? Iknow Mum can be a bit old fashioned, but even Oma uses the mail!
It wasn't an ipod. That I had figured out. I knew I had been fooled and desperately wanted to know what was up so I hurried mum along to meet these new people who knew something I didn't. Mum talked breifly with the lady and they both turned to me and smiled. "So she doesn't actually know? This is a complete surprise?" The lady asked Mum. Mum laughed, obviously happy with herself at keepng this from me. "No, she doesn't know." But I was dying to.
Once again, i didn't have long to wait. They all went round to the back to the truck. The man opened it up, and a yellow snout thrust its way into open air. It was a beautiful Golden Retriever bitch! And looking very worse for wear from the trip, were three 2 month old puppies. "You can choose one," Mum said softly, and from the smile on her face,I knew she wasn't joking.
I cried. I didn't even look at the pups so much. I was incredibly overwhelmed. I never in the entire trip had even the slightest idea that it was a puppy. I was suddenly filled with an affection for the whole family, who had probably put in a heck of alot of work to keep this quiet.
Once I had regained a bit of composure, I took a closer look at the three. They'd traveled for just under an hour and weren't used to it. They looked at me with listless eyes, and my heart went out to them. None of the pups showed any interest in anything. They looked very sick. I can remember shamefully thinking at the time, 'One of these? I'd rather have an ipod!' A stupid thought, considering the promises of a puppy hold alot more than that of an ipod.
One of the pups was dribbling excessively and there was puppy spew on the floor of the ute. The man, obviously a bit ashamed of the state of the pups offered to take them out on the grass. Knowing it would be good for them and probably would liven them up a bit I agreed. It would give me a better look at them.
It really worked. Almost as soon as the puppies paws touched the grass they came to life. Two of them were brindle, black and white, and the other was solid black and white. They were all boys. The latter was the prettist of the bunch, but he just sat on the grass and shivered. I turned my attention to the other two. The two pups behaved about the same. One went for Mum's lap and the other went for mine. He gambolled along and made friends with everybody, running from one person to the next. I lay back on the grass and he attacked my face sweetly.
I chose him, the little honey. I've had him nearly a week now and i don't regret my choice. He follows me around like a little Klingon. He sleeps on mybed and poos on my floor. He harrases the cat and attacks the broom. He howles when we go to church and when i turn on my hairdryer. He flops at my feet when tired, and he loves sand. All this I've found out in less than a week and there's so much more to do!
Recently I haven't had a hell of a lot to look forward to. Work is hard and friends are sparse and fickle. I seem to be losing more every year. But this puppy has given me so much. I love coming home now, even if there's a mess for me to clean up, even if I have to scold him because I found the cat terrified on the fridge, even if he's chewed my shoes, eaten the cat food, or gne into 'forbidden' rooms. He'll be a friend for a very long time, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Anyway, must be off. Puppy has to go outside. His bladder isn't very strong. More later.
On the upside, this year i got the best present I'd ever received in my life. Mum and I traveled to Masterton to pick up the 'ipod' I thought they had bought me. "Lets make a road-trip of it, you know, a girls day out!" she had said. I hadn't caught up with Mum in a while and since I would be moving home soonish and our relationship was already strained, I readily agreed. I'm glad I did.
Mum picked me up from work and we set off to the armpit of the lower north island. Masterhole, as some of my friends call it. We cranked out Paul Simon, both of us singing loudly. It was a fun trip up. I even got her to speed, if thats possible in a Volvo. As we neared our destnation, I was growing more excited but more suspicious. Mum kept sending out texts to the 'ipods' owner while she made lame excuses as to why she was texting him. "Just making sure I know where I'm going." Yeah right Mum. I'll add a quick note now. When Mum is lost, there's no calm texting. There's a flurry of maps and papers, there's speeding and frustration, there's angry shoot backs and frantic glances at signposts, and general complaining that there aren't enough of them, that anyone would get lost. It depends on her mood as to whether i add a wise crack about blondes. Usually I don't.
It was a lovely day and the sun shone on everything, even managing to make Masterton look pretty. We stopped for good in Queen Elizabeth Park. I had a durry and Mum enjoyed the sun. Her excuse for stopping was that the owners of the 'ipod' wouldnt be home before 5:30. That I did beleive. Its not uncommon for workers to not finish work till about then. I was content to wait.
I didn't have to wait very long. A car pulled into the lot a few moments later. I paid it no attention but Mum announced that this was them. I scrutinised the car more closely. It was a covered ute,a farming vehicle and I could see animal shapes in the back. Probably sheep-dogs along for the ride. A young couple were in the front,and my suspicions peaked. A young farming couple meeting up with us to give us an 'ipod'? Hadn't mail been invented? Iknow Mum can be a bit old fashioned, but even Oma uses the mail!
It wasn't an ipod. That I had figured out. I knew I had been fooled and desperately wanted to know what was up so I hurried mum along to meet these new people who knew something I didn't. Mum talked breifly with the lady and they both turned to me and smiled. "So she doesn't actually know? This is a complete surprise?" The lady asked Mum. Mum laughed, obviously happy with herself at keepng this from me. "No, she doesn't know." But I was dying to.
Once again, i didn't have long to wait. They all went round to the back to the truck. The man opened it up, and a yellow snout thrust its way into open air. It was a beautiful Golden Retriever bitch! And looking very worse for wear from the trip, were three 2 month old puppies. "You can choose one," Mum said softly, and from the smile on her face,I knew she wasn't joking.
I cried. I didn't even look at the pups so much. I was incredibly overwhelmed. I never in the entire trip had even the slightest idea that it was a puppy. I was suddenly filled with an affection for the whole family, who had probably put in a heck of alot of work to keep this quiet.
Once I had regained a bit of composure, I took a closer look at the three. They'd traveled for just under an hour and weren't used to it. They looked at me with listless eyes, and my heart went out to them. None of the pups showed any interest in anything. They looked very sick. I can remember shamefully thinking at the time, 'One of these? I'd rather have an ipod!' A stupid thought, considering the promises of a puppy hold alot more than that of an ipod.
One of the pups was dribbling excessively and there was puppy spew on the floor of the ute. The man, obviously a bit ashamed of the state of the pups offered to take them out on the grass. Knowing it would be good for them and probably would liven them up a bit I agreed. It would give me a better look at them.
It really worked. Almost as soon as the puppies paws touched the grass they came to life. Two of them were brindle, black and white, and the other was solid black and white. They were all boys. The latter was the prettist of the bunch, but he just sat on the grass and shivered. I turned my attention to the other two. The two pups behaved about the same. One went for Mum's lap and the other went for mine. He gambolled along and made friends with everybody, running from one person to the next. I lay back on the grass and he attacked my face sweetly.
I chose him, the little honey. I've had him nearly a week now and i don't regret my choice. He follows me around like a little Klingon. He sleeps on mybed and poos on my floor. He harrases the cat and attacks the broom. He howles when we go to church and when i turn on my hairdryer. He flops at my feet when tired, and he loves sand. All this I've found out in less than a week and there's so much more to do!
Recently I haven't had a hell of a lot to look forward to. Work is hard and friends are sparse and fickle. I seem to be losing more every year. But this puppy has given me so much. I love coming home now, even if there's a mess for me to clean up, even if I have to scold him because I found the cat terrified on the fridge, even if he's chewed my shoes, eaten the cat food, or gne into 'forbidden' rooms. He'll be a friend for a very long time, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Anyway, must be off. Puppy has to go outside. His bladder isn't very strong. More later.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Something Else to Hide Behind
I've created another smokescreen
And we hide behind
Laughing to ourselves
They can't see us
We hold together
Hand in hand, heart pulling heart
Embraced in our sin
We hold too tight
And have forgotten how to let go.
And we hide behind
Laughing to ourselves
They can't see us
We hold together
Hand in hand, heart pulling heart
Embraced in our sin
We hold too tight
And have forgotten how to let go.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Girl
She's a little smiling girl
Arms open to the sky
But dead to the world.
She thinks her eyes are open
But they see nothing.
Arms open to the sky
But dead to the world.
She thinks her eyes are open
But they see nothing.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Where were you
When I needed you most
You ran away
And told me
Its all for my own good.
It seems to me
When everything is fine and dandy
You hang round my head
Then blame me
For not running to you.
Don't call me daughter, sister, friend
I'm not your bastard child
I have a Father already
And two would be just weird.
When I needed you most
You ran away
And told me
Its all for my own good.
It seems to me
When everything is fine and dandy
You hang round my head
Then blame me
For not running to you.
Don't call me daughter, sister, friend
I'm not your bastard child
I have a Father already
And two would be just weird.
I lost God
Under my bed.
He's hiding behind the box
Of unopened maps, cigarette butts
And a broken down heart
Too scared to be coaxed out
He's getting smaller, quieter now
He hardly wakes me up anymore
I don't wonder if He made the sky
I don't wonder if He'll hurt me
I don't wonder if I'm in His Book
I don't wonder, I know
It's all a goddamn lie.
Under my bed.
He's hiding behind the box
Of unopened maps, cigarette butts
And a broken down heart
Too scared to be coaxed out
He's getting smaller, quieter now
He hardly wakes me up anymore
I don't wonder if He made the sky
I don't wonder if He'll hurt me
I don't wonder if I'm in His Book
I don't wonder, I know
It's all a goddamn lie.
Dad
Words
Hitting the back of the skull
So many words
Just one little night
Puts a damper on life
Words
Depression untraced
Behind the lies
And broken skies
Chemical offset mind
Words
Mean nothing
Softly cracked ice
Gently stroked eyes
Gently stroked eyes.
Hitting the back of the skull
So many words
Just one little night
Puts a damper on life
Words
Depression untraced
Behind the lies
And broken skies
Chemical offset mind
Words
Mean nothing
Softly cracked ice
Gently stroked eyes
Gently stroked eyes.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
OscarTown - Day 1
Well, oscar has officailly joined the throng. He's a part of the sethsterbi tribe. He's not too keen on it though, which is unfortunate, becasue he's not going home anytime soon.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
They had left.
She felt a little lost without them.
But no matter, they were gone.
She lit another cigerette
And quietly got headrush.
They wouldnt be back for a while.
She walked to the end of the road.
Everything was wet.
Her feet were cold
Even encased in he silly fluffy slippers.
She could feel the streets stones
Through the hole in her left shoe
She'd worn it down from climbing through her window.
But that was then.
Now she could walk without worry.
And so she walked.
Towards her new home.
She took another puff of her forgotten ciggerette
and flicked it away.
Gone already.
For some reason she stopped at the gate.
That sign, for sale. For sale.
It would be gone soon
But not for now.
She entered the house and sat down.
Bored and lonely.
Mssing the cat winding around her feet.
Soon. Soon she vowed.
She sat on her damp blanket,
And typed this up.
She felt a little lost without them.
But no matter, they were gone.
She lit another cigerette
And quietly got headrush.
They wouldnt be back for a while.
She walked to the end of the road.
Everything was wet.
Her feet were cold
Even encased in he silly fluffy slippers.
She could feel the streets stones
Through the hole in her left shoe
She'd worn it down from climbing through her window.
But that was then.
Now she could walk without worry.
And so she walked.
Towards her new home.
She took another puff of her forgotten ciggerette
and flicked it away.
Gone already.
For some reason she stopped at the gate.
That sign, for sale. For sale.
It would be gone soon
But not for now.
She entered the house and sat down.
Bored and lonely.
Mssing the cat winding around her feet.
Soon. Soon she vowed.
She sat on her damp blanket,
And typed this up.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Your claim
Glows blue
Phoned in
Fake you.
Liar, Liar
Heart on fire
Hope all gone
What will you do?
Sad truth
Worlds die
Time stops
Those lies
Liar, Liar
Soul on fire
Hope is gone
What will you do?
Your you
Fall away
Hold on boy,
One day, one day
I'll have enough,
Enough to give more.
Liar, Liar
Shame and fire
Hope not yet gone
What will you do?
Glows blue
Phoned in
Fake you.
Liar, Liar
Heart on fire
Hope all gone
What will you do?
Sad truth
Worlds die
Time stops
Those lies
Liar, Liar
Soul on fire
Hope is gone
What will you do?
Your you
Fall away
Hold on boy,
One day, one day
I'll have enough,
Enough to give more.
Liar, Liar
Shame and fire
Hope not yet gone
What will you do?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
In the little town of Dudlinbuttom, everything was normal. The usual smog hung over the city streets. Every-now-and-then it spotted someone vulnerable and suffocated them to death with its poisonous fumes. For this reason, most of the dwarfs ran around with umbrellas. No one knew why this seemed to fend off the fog, and no one cared, but everyone was careful to include even the smallest parasole wherever they went...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I swore I'd never love again.
A defiled spring
Unable to produce pure water
To quench anothers soul.
Is it possible
Oh, just that little chance
I could be purified again?
I swore I wouldn't keep love.
A broken cup
Unable to hold the warm blood
Of anothers heart.
But for the chance
Even if slim, to try again
Could I be repaired with love?
A defiled spring
Unable to produce pure water
To quench anothers soul.
Is it possible
Oh, just that little chance
I could be purified again?
I swore I wouldn't keep love.
A broken cup
Unable to hold the warm blood
Of anothers heart.
But for the chance
Even if slim, to try again
Could I be repaired with love?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Heartflow
Watching my heart flow
Blood forming words
Sterilise it with alcohol
Burn it with smoke
Cut it till it lies in ribbons at your feet
But it still stays
Damaging the once white page
Blood forming words
Sterilise it with alcohol
Burn it with smoke
Cut it till it lies in ribbons at your feet
But it still stays
Damaging the once white page
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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